


Before He Finds Me

by Zoe13



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Eating Disorder, M/M, Self Harm, Some excessive drinking, Soulmate AU, attempted suicide, soul marks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-26
Updated: 2015-07-13
Packaged: 2018-03-25 19:17:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3821758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zoe13/pseuds/Zoe13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At 1:53, Gerard's soulmark turns to an arrow. It's spinning, turning with his body, but he refuses to follow it to his soulmate. </p><p>He can't do that to his soulmate when he's about to step in front of a bus.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

He was almost out of time and he had to make a decision. He could turn and follow the arrow toward his soulmate or he could make the choice that will happen eventually anyway and step into traffic, keeping his soulmate from enduring the loss. Of course, his soulmate would know that their soulmate had died, but they wouldn't know what he was like. Not that Gerard was the most likeable of people, but surely his soulmate would like him. And that would be worse than if they didn't.

The arrow moved without Gerard and he knew his soulmate was getting close. Traffic was speeding up as it cleared and Gerard saw his opportunity as a bus approached rapidly.

He made his decision. The note was at home, Mikey would know. He clenched his fists and breathed in deeply. 

For a moment he looked around at the large city. He loved cities. They were so alive, so bright, so hopeful. Opportunity was around every corner- even Gerard had found a job writing graphic novels.

His time was up. Another deep breath and he stepped forward. His soulmark was glowing and he stepped forward again. 2 steps, 3 steps, so close-

" _No!_ " 

Something slammed into him from the wrong angle and he flew back, landing on the sidewalk behind him with someone curled over him, arms wrapped around him tightly. 

" _What the hell do you think you're doing?_ " 

Gerard looked up, dazed, and took in the man who was glaring down at him with terror in his round eyes. 

"I-"

"Tell me you're just one of those artists with their heads constantly in the clouds that didn't see that huge bus passing by," the man demanded. 

"No, I-" Gerard stopped. "Get off of me."

He didn't mean to be snappish, but he didn't know how to escape. 

"No."

"No? You can't just sit on me!"

"I think I have the right, seeing as we're _soulmates_ ," the man snarled, and Gerard flinched. Of course his soulmate would be attractive, bossy, and determined to make him live. 

With strength even he hadn't expected, Gerard shoved him off and got up, jumping to his feet and taking off. He didn't get far, though. His soulmate caught his arm and planted his feet. Their soulmarks glowed brighter and people passing by ignored them as this was a fairly common occurrence- soulmates having to persuade each other. 

"Let _go_ of me! I don't even know you."

"I'm Frank," the man sighed exasperatedly. 

"Why- doesn't matter." Gerard tried to extricate himself but Franks grip was too tight and he knew he wouldn't take him by surprise again. 

"Well I have some questions for you," Frank said. "What the _hell_ were you thinking?"

"I'm sorry you came too soon," Gerard said as calmly as he could. "Now let go, I have things to do." 

"Like what?" Frank asked.

"Things."

"Like _what?_ " Frank's grip tightened. "Stepping in front of a bus just before your soulmate can meet you? Were you really not going to give me a chance?"

His voice cracked and Gerard stopped struggling to take a good look at him. He looked genuinely upset and Gerard cursed himself for taking so long to decide. 

"Look," he said, "it would be best for you if you turn around now and just walk away. I'm bad news and you'll just get hurt."

"Why are you so determined to just give up?" Frank cried. "What if I could change things?"

"Unless you can completely alter who I am as a person, that's not going to work."

Frank set his jaw and glared at Gerard. "Don't say that."

"What?" Gerard's heart quickened and he didn't know why. "That I'm a waste of space? That I'm worthless?"

"Do you live alone?"

"No, I live with my brother. What's-"

"Where?"

Gerard automatically rattled off the address and then froze. "No, no wait, that's wrong-"

"I know where that is." Frank turned and pulled Gerard along. 

Shit, _Mikey_. 

"No, no I can't- I can't go home!"

Frank stopped and stared at him. "Why not?"

"I left a note. I can't-he's probably read it and-"

"You really think that means you can't change your mind? Who the hell fucked you up?" Frank looked furious again and Gerard wondered if he could get away and run again. He'd be faster this time. 

"No one, I just-"

"No, no I didn't mean it like that. Don't you dare say you are. Just-" Frank snapped his jaw shut and turned again, dragging Gerard with him. 

It wasn't far but it felt far shorter as Gerard thought about facing Mikey. Frank was silent as he dragged Gerard up to the door, and Gerard didn't know what to think. 

The door flew open as Frank reached for the handle, and there was Mikey, white faced and clutching a frayed piece of notebook paper.

"Oh my _god_ , Gerard!" The letter fell and Mikey flew at him, throwing his arms around him and clinging tightly. The childishness of the act broke Gerard's heart and he let his hands settle on Mikey's back. 

Frank looked as if he was studying them, and Gerard wondered if he'd stay.

"You _fucker!_ " Mikey's voice cracked, another unusual thing, and Gerard stood still as he pulled away to yell at him. "I almost had a heart attack. What were you thinking? Why didn't you talk to me or Ray or- or- someone!"

"I-" Gerard stopped. "I can't talk right now. I don't-" his voice kept shorting out and he stopped, trying to gather his scattered thoughts. 

"We have to talk later, then," Mikey said sternly, before turning to Frank questioningly.

"I'm Frank." Frank kept glancing at Gerard as if he expected him to run. He was tempted to. "I'm his- his soulmate."

Mikey's left eyebrow rose.

"So he went to find you?" he asked Frank.

"No, I caught him trying to step in front of a bus."

Mikey flinched and Gerard moved around him to head into the house. He didn't want to hear any more of this. 

"You stopped him?" Mikey asked softly. 

"Yeah. He's not very happy with me."

"I don't give a flying fuck. Some things are going to change around here." Mikey turned and saw him heading into the house. "Gerard, wait!"

"What?" Gerard asked dully.

"I can't- you're going to have to stay here. We need to figure this out."

"No." Gerard's normally mild personality disappeared. "I'm not going to be locked up and watched constantly. I'm not going to eat with plastic forks and give you my razor after I shave or any of that. I'm going inside."

"Gerard-" Frank called. A shiver went down Gerard's spine when he heard Frank say his name and he cursed himself inwardly. 

"I can't," he said, and then shut the door. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry about how long this update took. I was not at all planning on it taking this long, I've just got a fucked up mind to try and live with and sometimes it really slows me down.

Dinner was a silent affair. Frank was gone but Mikey had promised that he'd be back, despite the fact that Gerard hadn't asked and had had no intention of finding out. He was already looking for a different way out, another escape. 

He'd wait a few days. Bullshit some 'it was an off day- I was scared about my soulmate' and appease everyone involved before finding another way. 

Maybe he'd try a bridge this time. It's harder to tackle someone when they're hanging from a railing or if you're not there at all. He knew just the right one too. 

Mikey looked at him over the table almost as if he could read his thought and Gerard slowly picked up his fork and took one bite. Spaghetti was packed with carbs and calories but Mikey was watching him like a hawk.

"We can't avoid this conversation," he said to Gerard, finally. "I'm not going to let this slide."

"What's there to say," Gerard mumbled, pushing his food around his plate with his fork. Mikey sighed.

"Okay, let's start with why."

"It was an off day and I shouldn't have done it. I don't think I would have anyway. I was just really tired and really scared about meeting my soulmate."

"Why didn't you tell me? And you told me that your counter had a few more weeks."

"I didn't know how it was going to go."

"So you were just going to step in front of a bus? Because _that_ would fix things." Mikey sounded bitter and Gerard flinched. "You're lucky Frank saw you. And you don't just have an 'off day' and try to kill yourself! This has obviously been going on a while."

"Look, I'm fine. I said I shouldn't have tried." 

"That doesn't make me feel better, Gee."

"I can't do this right now." Gerard stood but Mikey placed a hand on his arm. 

"Wait. Please try and eat. I shouldn't push this yet. You just scared me and I want to understand." Mikey smiled weakly and Gerard sighed. 

"I can't eat right now."

"Can we watch something, then? Like we used to?"

There was a hint of a smile on Gerard's face as he nodded. "Yeah, okay."

 

 

Mikey tried to be subtle, he really did, but Gerard noticed every time he checked in on him while he painted. He didn't quite know what to think of it.

When he went down for lunch, Frank was sitting at their table talking to Mikey. Gerard curled his fingers around the tips of his sleeves tighter and went to pour himself coffee. Frank watched closely as he took the mug upstairs without any food, but he made no comment and Gerard ignored him.

He came upstairs after a while, knocking on the door but then letting himself in.  

"Mikey asked me to come up," he explained. Gerard still ignored him, choosing instead to focus on his painting. Frank seemed unaffected and instead began to look around at the sketches and paintings littering the room. Gerard's clothes were mostly on the floor of his closet so most of the outside mess was art supplies and canvases laying on nearly every available surface, both blank and painted. Frank picked a few up and looked at them, carefully stepping around snapped pencils and paint splatters. 

"These are really good."

"Thanks," Gerard said flatly. 

"No, really. I mean it. Do you sell these?"

"No."

Frank looked down at the canvas in his hands. "You should. I bet you could."

Gerard turned to look at him and saw that his face was completely open and honest. He turned away again. 

"So what did Mikey say."

"Just asked me to check on you." Frank set the painting down and came to stand by Gerard. "I- I have to admit I have no clue what I'm doing. Look, I don't know if it's this soulmate thing or what but I care about you and I know you're not going to just be happy now. You're not all better just because you didn't manage to- to kill yourself yesterday."

"Then maybe you'll know to just let it be." Gerard picked up his paintbrush and resumed painting. Frank watched in silence. 

"I can't," he said softly after a while. 

"Why not?" 

"Because you're going to mean the world to me someday and I want that to happen." 

Frank's gaze was intense and Gerard couldn't meet his eyes. "The world doesn't mean shit."

"I'm gonna change that," Frank said, and he sounded determined. "Just give me a chance to change your mind." 

Gerard took a deep breath and thought about it. 

"You know what? I'll give you two weeks. I promise to not try to kill myself for two weeks, and you try to change my mind."

"I will," Frank said. "And I'll trust you on that."

After he left, Gerard found a piece of paper on one of his canvases with a phone number on it. 


	3. Chapter 3

Mondays were the worst. He'd picked a Saturday to kill himself partially because he was going to meet his soulmate but also partially because he never wanted to go through another Monday again. It was a reminder of the dreariness of life. 

He wasn't lazy. He could work as hard as anyone else, he just hated routine. It let his mind slide into dark places and he felt as if it wasn't really _living_.

He somehow dragged himself through the day and got home a little after five, heading straight to his room. 

He kept the little box in the cabinet behind the mirror. He fumbled for it before closing the door and examining his reflection. 

He looked like shit. His bright red hair was falling over his darkly lined eyes and he looked exhausted. 

His arms were bandaged and covered when Frank knocked on his bedroom door. Somehow Gerard knew who it was and he caught himself attempting to tame his hair before he opened the door.

"Let's go get dinner," Frank started with. "I want to get to know you and you can try to know me if you want. It won't be formal or anything, just hanging out." He looked so hopeful and Gerard sighed. 

"Okay." 

Frank's face lit up and Gerard found that he liked it that way. He shook his head to clear it and followed Frank out of the room. 

 

 

"So you're an artist on the side?" Frank asked partway through the meal. His meal, at least. Gerard's salad was barely touched. 

"Yeah, it's just a hobby."

"I was serious about you selling it. It's not just talent, it's creativity." Frank's smile was genuine, and Gerard looked down at his food to avoid it.

Unfortunately, it drew Frank's attention to it too. 

"Not hungry?" 

"No," Gerard mumbled and then let bad when Frank's shoulders drooped a bit. 

"You know what?" he said after a minute, "dinner is boring. Let's go do something weird." There was a flash of something mischievous in his eyes as he paid and then dragged Gerard out of the building. 

"Where are we going?" Gerard asked hesitantly as he was dragged down the sidewalk by a suddenly energetic Frank. 

"Nowhere special. We're just going to forget how old we are for a bit." 

Frank's mysterious answer was explained when he pulled Gerard into the public park. 

"This is a bit creepy," Gerard told him. Frank just giggled. 

"Swingset!" He said excitedly. He leaped onto the narrow wood surrounding the area and walked along it as if it was a tightrope, still holding Gerard's hand. "Come on, get up here."

"You sound as if you're thirty feet up," Gerard said in an unimpressed voice. Frank wasn't fazed at all and just looked at him expectantly. "No."

"Come on," Frank whined. He steppe down and tried to push Gerard onto it. "I'll hold your hand." 

"You're already holding my hand," Gerard retorted, and then blushed. "Fine."

It apparently took more effort than it looked like it did, and Gerard found himself wobbling. He felt ridiculous. Frank just beamed at him, though, and he seemed proud, as if Gerard had just accomplished something huge.

He looked fond, and it made Gerard's mouth go dry. He wasn't used to it, had never had someone look at him like that, and he didn't know how to handle it. 

He misstepped and fell to the side, clumsily dragging Frank down with him and landing on top of him. He looked down at him in horror and was about to apologize and get up when Frank exploded into laughter. It was loud and obnoxious but it made Gerard laugh too as he realized how ridiculous they must look. He rolled over to the side and fell on his back, laughing up at the sky. It felt good to laugh. 

"That was ridiculous," Frank giggled. "You're even clumsier than I am." 

Gerard turned his head to meet his eyes and furrowed his eyebrows. "That's not fair. I didn't trip over air when I got into the restaurant."

"Maybe I got distracted." Frank's gaze was heavy again and Gerard turned away to look at the sky. He could still feel it, though. 

Frank's hand met his cold one and laced their fingers together, and Gerard heard him humming happily. "Isn't this nice?"

Gerard frowned. What was he doing? He was letting Frank in, letting him get close. It was just going to crash and burn, just going to hurt again, and Gerard had promised himself no more. He couldn't let more people in.

It was too much to think about and he pulled his hand away and got to his feet. 

"I- I have to go." 

Frank shot up. "Wait- what's wrong?" 

"I have to go," Gerard repeated, backing away and then turning and breaking into a run. 

"Gerard!" Frank called, but he let him go.

Gerard barely made it home, his malnourished body trying to give out on him, and he locked himself in his room and vowed to never come out again. 


End file.
